Being the Better Person Will Teach People To Treat You Like Crap
We're taught to turn the other cheek—that being kind in the face of hostility is the better way to respond to conflict so love can overcome hate. According to psychologist Clifford N. Lazarus, writing for Psychology Today, that sort of reaction just teaches abusive people that their behavior is effective. Here's why.
It all comes down to something called the "Law of Effect", which refers to the way people interpret and understand the behavior of others. For example, if someone treats you poorly and you treat them kindly, the effect produced by their bad behavior is your affection. By being nice to mean people, you're essentially creating a reward system for bad behavior.
This doesn't mean you should devolve into a complete asshole anytime you encounter one, but it is important to remember that there is such thing as being too nice. When someone does something that bothers you, it's important to take that immediate opportunity to tell them. Being kind is often just an excuse to avoid necessary conflict. You don't have to be a jerk, but you do have to confront the situation or risk encouraging the bad behavior you're seeking to prevent.
You can follow Adam Dachis, the author of this post, on Twitter, Google+, and Facebook. Twitter's the best way to contact him, too.
We're taught to turn the other cheek—that being kind in the face of hostility is the better way to respond to conflict so love can overcome hate. According to psychologist Clifford N. Lazarus, writing for It all comes down to something called the "Law of Effect", which refers to the way people interpret and understand the behavior of others. For example, if someone treats you poorly and you treat them kindly, the effect produced by their bad behavior is your affection. By being nice to mean people, you're essentially creating a reward system for bad behavior.
This doesn't mean you should devolve into a complete asshole anytime you encounter one, but it is important to remember that there is such thing as being too nice. When someone does something that bothers you, it's important to take that immediate opportunity to tell them. Being kind is often just an excuse to avoid necessary conflict. You don't have to be a jerk, but you do have to confront the situation or risk encouraging the bad behavior you're seeking to prevent.
Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly? | Psychology Today
You can follow Adam Dachis, the author of this post, on Twitter, Google+, and Facebook. Twitter's the best way to contact him, too.
How to Fight With a Woman
Win her over with these female-approved strategies
| 6.Defusing Arguments 1. Don't ask "why" questions. This creates an emotional response and puts her in fight-or-flight mode, says Carol Ritberger, Ph.D. Other questions are fine, especially if they show an interest in "how" or "when" the two of you can solve the problem. 2. Don't assume she's basing her decisions on emotion. There may be plenty of logic behind her reactions, though these reactions may be charged with stress and contention. And for goodness' sake, don't tell her she's being emotional. 3. Don't cross-complain. Countering her bickering with you complaints won't work. If you're fighting to be heard, someone's bound to lose. It might be you. 4. Don't interrupt. Actively listen to whether she uses kinesthetic ("I feel"), auditory ("I hear"), visual ("I see"), or cognitive ("I think") terms—and respond in her language. She'll hear it more clearly. 5. Use body language. Touch her, lean forward, and maintain eye contact to show you're in the moment with her. |
Single dose of hallucinogen may create lasting personality change
Psilocybn
A single high dose of the hallucinogen psilocybin, the active ingredient in so-called "magic mushrooms," was enough to bring about a measureable personality change lasting at least a year in nearly 60 percent of the 51 participants in a new study, according to the Johns Hopkins researchers who conducted it.Lasting change was found in the part of the personality known as openness, which includes traits related to imagination, aesthetics, feelings, abstract ideas and general broad-mindedness. Changes in these traits, measured on a widely used and scientifically validated personality inventory, were larger in magnitude than changes typically observed in healthy adults over decades of life experiences, the scientists say. Researchers in the field say that after the age of 30, personality doesn't usually change significantly.
"Normally, if anything, openness tends to decrease as people get older," says study leader Roland R. Griffiths, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.
The research, approved by Johns Hopkins' Institutional Review Board, was funded in part by the National Institute on Drug Abuse and published in the Journal of Psychopharmacology.
The study participants completed two to five eight-hour drug sessions, with consecutive sessions separated by at least three weeks. Participants were informed they would receive a "moderate or high dose" of psilocybin during one of their drug sessions, but neither they nor the session monitors knew when.
During each session, participants were encouraged to lie down on a couch, use an eye mask to block external visual distraction, wear headphones through which music was played and focus their attention on their inner experiences.
Personality was assessed at screening, one to two months after each drug session and approximately 14 months after the last drug session. Griffiths says he believes the personality changes found in this study are likely permanent since they were sustained for over a year by many.
Nearly all of the participants in the new study considered themselves spiritually active (participating regularly in religious services, prayer or meditation). More than half had postgraduate degrees. The sessions with the otherwise illegal hallucinogen were closely monitored and volunteers were considered to be psychologically healthy
"We don't know whether the findings can be generalized to the larger population," Griffiths says.
As a word of caution, Griffiths also notes that some of the study participants reported strong fear or anxiety for a portion of their daylong psilocybin sessions, although none reported any lingering harmful effects. He cautions, however, that if hallucinogens are used in less well supervised settings, the possible fear or anxiety responses could lead to harmful behaviors.
Griffiths says lasting personality change is rarely looked at as a function of a single discrete experience in the laboratory. In the study, the change occurred specifically in those volunteers who had undergone a "mystical experience," as validated on a questionnaire developed by early hallucinogen researchers and refined by Griffiths for use at Hopkins. He defines "mystical experience" as among other things, "a sense of interconnectedness with all people and things accompanied by a sense of sacredness and reverence."
Personality was measured on a widely used and scientifically validated personality inventory, which covers openness and the other four broad domains that psychologists consider the makeup of personality: neuroticism, extroversion, agreeableness and conscientiousness. Only openness changed during the course of the study.
Griffiths says he believes psilocybin may have therapeutic uses. He is currently studying whether the hallucinogen has a use in helping cancer patients handle the depression and anxiety that comes along with a diagnosis, and whether it can help longtime cigarette smokers overcome their addiction.
"There may be applications for this we can't even imagine at this point," he says. "It certainly deserves to be systematically studied."
###
Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions: http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/
50 Stress Relievers That Take 5 Minutes Or Less
Categories: Psychology, Relaxation
Finding ways to relieve stress is absolutely crucial in today’s chaotic world. We need daily buffers to remind us that we are living, thinking, and feeling human beings, not just work-a-holic machines.
If we don’t attend to our stress, we can very quickly build up unhealthy levels, sometimes leading to serious conditions like heart disease, diabetes, gastrointestinal disorders, eating problems, insomnia, and substance abuse, as well as less severe ailments like headaches, muscle pains, and fatigue.
Because everyone experiences stress, and it is an unavoidable facet of life, we all need to find our own methods to cope with it.
Stress can be alleviated in a variety of ways, but what works for some may not work for others. A lot of it depends on our personality, what habits we find enjoyable, and how creative we are with our limited free time. I took it upon myself to try and come up with 50 potential stress relievers. You may find some useful and some not so useful. That’s OK.
Some might also spark new ideas that I may have forgotten. Leave a comment if you discover something that I missed!
50 Stress-Relievers That Take 5 Minutes Or Less
1. Take ten deep breaths.
2. Do push-ups, crunches, or pull-ups
3. Play with a pet
4. Take a short walk
5. Read an article in the newspaper
6. Call a friend
7. Listen to a song
8. Watch a video on YouTube
9. Play an instrument
10. Meditate
11. Eat a healthy snack
12. Spark a conversation
13. Make yourself a cup of coffee
14. Sit in the sun and get some fresh air
15. Doodle
16. Sing a favorite song
17. Dance
18. Drum on your desk
19. Count your blessings
20. Make plans to go out to dinner
21. Go outside and feed the birds
22. Do a small favor for someone
23. Write a note to a loved one
24. Water the plants
25. Look through a photo album
26. Take a shot of liquor or take a hit of cannabis – unwind a bit
27. Do a search on Google for “funny jokes”
28. Gaze at the stars
29. Get a back massage
30. Stretch or do yoga
31. Take a quick shower
32. Write a poem
33. Check your email or Facebook
34. Make a list of old things around the house to donate
35. Clean your desk
36. Try a word puzzle or Sudoku
37. Spend a moment with your children
38. Do jumping jacks
39. Scream at the top of your lungs (or into a pillow if you don’t want to disturb anyone)
40. Go to the bathroom
41. Play a game of billiards or ping pong
42. Check the local weather report
43. Sit somewhere with good scenery
44. Make a list of things to do on the weekend
45. Recite a prayer
46. Daydream
47. Wash your face with cold water
48. Take a power nap (make sure to set an alarm!)
49. Read your affirmations
50. Drive around town briefly
Whatever your environment, if you can’t come up with a compelling reason for doing something, ask why the task needs to be done. If it’s not your choice, and it’s your boss’ choice, have him or her step into your office and explain the situation. Tell them, “So, I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to best approach this project, yet I everytime I advance further, I keep coming back to why this is meaningful in the first place. Can you help me understand the big picture and value this actually adds to our business?”
The result will be one of four things:
There’s three types of people in corporations:
What ends up happening is that others perceive them as being able to get the most done, thus people assign more work to them. The work results in being half-assed because the busy person doesn’t have the appropriate time needed for the task. People end up giving the most work to those who are least effective. This is why busy people and work-a-holics are bad for organizations. They eventually end up hurting companies.
Activities such as T.V., potato chips, video games, researching whether or not Tupac faked his death and conspiring over whether our government is run by free masons. I was this person once. These were my habits. I occupied my time with message-boards, reading hours of sports articles, and more. I wanted to achieve my dreams, but my mind craved dopamine derived from reading sports blogs. Getting out of this state and into the state below is what this book is about.
A true sign of being indispensable is not a pat on the ass from a boss. It’s not a bonus or a raise. A true sign of being indispensable comes from making money on your own and getting job offers when you’re not looking for a job.
In summary, in order to be a Sage, you must earn it. You must earn it by being economically indispensable, and we’ll learn shortly that this falls into place naturally.
There’s two types of maps: (i) PS Map, and (ii) Fear Map
A fear map forces you to apply simple logic to the source of your fear. It’s founded on ‘If X, then Y.
On paper map out the following formula “if x, then y.” Where “x” is the fear, and “y” is your estimate of the fear’s result.
Through mapping out your thoughts, you can calm the racing mind, which will free your mind to focus on the task at hand.
It’s my thesis that “flow” is the mastery of both short-term focus and long-term focus. In this chapter, we’ve outlined the science behind short-term focus, and the 8 actions you can do to improve concentration.
Remember – intelligence comes from focused concentration. Beware of the distractions around you. We’re all human and prone to laziness or becoming an inefficient work-a-holic, but we can choose to be strategically lazy, and thus, becoming effective.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore the concept of flow.
As always, please let me know how you liked this chapter and what can be improved in the comments section below.
Is the idea of a pure, platonic relationship between non-related, heterosexual men and women a myth? For the most part, it would seem the answer is "yes" and the reason is deeply rooted in the evolutionary soil of our species.
Thanks to the writings of John Gray, many of us now know some of the "Mars/Venus" generalizations such as men typically use language as a tool for solving problems while women use it as a way to promote intimacy. Indeed, while other gender stereotypes might be valid, such as it's easier for women to define intimate relationships with men as non-sexual than vice-versa, individual differences among people will always provide exceptional cases. Thus, some women might have a more "masculine" approach to heterosexual friendship than average and some men might relate to friends in a more stereotypically "feminine" manner than most.
8 Things Everybody Ought to Know About Concentrating
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“Music helps me concentrate,” Mike said to me glancing briefly over his shoulder.
Mike was in his room writing a paper for his U.S. History class. On his desk next to his computer sat crunched Red Bulls, empty Gatorade bottles, some extra pocket change and scattered pieces of paper. In the pocket of his sweat pants rested a blaring iPod with a chord that dangled near the floor, almost touching against his Adidas sandals. On his computer sat even more stray objects than his surrounding environment. There must have been twenty browser tabs open. The tabs included political blog news, random Wikipedia entries, Facebook profiles and a Myspace page blasting more music at him. Two notifications with sound popped-up simultaneously in the top-right corner of his screen. One was an email; the other was a tweet. Behind his dozens of browser windows sat a pending music download and a handful of blinking IM’s.
Mike made a shift about every thirty seconds between all of the above. He’d write a little bit for his history paper, check his pending download, reply to his IM’s, and then start all over.
Do you know a person like this? I do. Those were my concentration habits at one point in my life. Yet, I made a series of decisions that resulted in a 180 degree turn. This book is about how to make that 180 degree turn. And this chapter centers on understanding a core component for getting focused: short-term focus (or concentration). We’ll first outline what science teaches us about concentration, and then we’ll dive into how you can concentrate when you feel overwhelmed through 8 steps.
The Science Behind Concentration
In the above account, Mike’s obviously stuck in a routine that many of us may have found ourselves in, yet in the moment we feel it’s almost an impossible routine to get out of. Many fall into this pattern because constantly shifting attention and multitasking eases the pain of doing something you hate in the first place. We mitigate essays and projects with blasts of dopamine delivered through tweets, music and gossip.What science tells us, though, is that not only does multitasking make our work 50% less valuable; it takes 50% longer to finish. Plus, it’s physiologically impossible for the brain to multitask.
When we constantly multitask to get things done, we’re not multitasking, we’re rapidly shifting our attention. And this rapid shifting kills the mind, it waters its effectiveness down significantly. When we follow Mike’s pattern above, the mind shifts through three phases:
Phase 1: Blood Rush Alert
When Mike decides to start writing his History essay, blood rushes to his anterior prefrontal cortex. Within this part of the brain, sits a neurological switchboard. The switchboard alerts the brain that it’s about to shift concentration.
Phase 2: Find and Execute
The alert carries an electrical charge that’s composed of two parts: first, a search query (which is needed to find the correct neurons for executing the task of writing), and second, a command (which tells the appropriate neuron what to do). This process propels Mike into a mental state of writing for his History essay. Your mind literally puts a writing cap on.
Phase 3: Disengagement
While in this state, Mike then hears an email notification. His mind rapidly disengages his current writing state, and then sends blood-flow back to Phase 1, which then leads him to phase 2, and then when he gets distracted again, he’ll find himself at phase 3.
The process repeats itself sequentially. It doesn’t work simultaneously (i.e. multitasking). The mind shifts rapidly through this phase at a rate of one-tenth of a second. This tells us two important things: it reinforces the case that we must only focus on one thing at a time, and second, it’s critical to master selective attention, which we’ll explore below.
Concentration drives intelligence
Research surfaced recently that revealed the true drivers of intelligence. They asked, “Is intelligence simply the ability to assimilate information and recall upon it whenever needed?” Is intelligence really a measure of memory? If not, than what makes a person intelligent? Amazingly, they found that intelligence is not founded on one’s memory. Instead, intelligence emanates from one’s ability to control their selective attention. It’s their ability to control the three phases above, and where they route their blood-flow to within the prefrontal cortex.
As you improve in the ability to strategically allocate your attention, your brain also improves. In fact, it rewires itself. As you exercise concentration and selective attention, your mind rewires itself to support your new habits. You get better and better at concentrating when you concentrate. That’s the good news. The bad news is that as you age, your mind’s flexibility slows down slightly. Meaning, you can’t rapidly jump out of habits and processes as well as you could in your earlier days. Yet, by practicing the small steps and exercises today within your mind, you can establish solid mental faculties for your older years. By practicing brain exercises through mental games you can significantly sharpen your mind. For brain exercises, I highly recommend Lumosity’s brain training games. They’re fun, effective and you can sign up for free. Click here and sign up for a free account. (free brain game training)
Now that you know a bit about the science and background of your mind, we’ll explore 8 things that will help you build short-term focus (concentration).
8 Things Everybody Ought to Know About Concentrating
1. You can’t start concentrating until you’ve stopped getting distracted
The phrase above is self-explanatory. Yet, it’s amazing how most people look for some crazy, obtuse solution for the reason why they can’t concentrate. They reason, “I just have ADD. I can’t concentrate.” In reality, their situation likens itself to Mike’s situation above.
In the late 80′s, two researchers asked themselves a chicken-egg question. (“What came first the chicken or the egg?”). Their version centers on distraction and boredom. They asked themselves, “What came first, distraction or boredom.” What they found is rather subtle, yet it’s profoundly significant. They found that distraction leads to boredom (not the other way around). This displays that we must cut out distraction in order to get focused; or else, we’ll get bored.
2. Just do one important thing per day
Scientists also found that we can only focus on one thing at once. Nobody does that. We’ve always got something going on in the background of whatever we’re doing. We’ve always got two-dozen tasks on our to-do list. On top of this, we’ve got a handful of projects that we try and finish simultaneously.
When you’ve got a mountain of paperwork on your desk, the best thing to do is clear it all off. Pick it all up and place it in a drawer. Do anything required to get it out of your sight. After this, kick your feet up and daydream. Yes, I’m serious. Daydream and ask yourself the following question: “What’s the most important thing I can do right now?” Once you’ve identified the item that will actually make a difference, do it.
Try and make it a goal to do just one critical thing per day. This habit proves much more effective than living the routine everyone else lives: doing many insignificant things a day. They live on fooling themselves into thinking they’ve added value.
The quote below by John Wooden summarizes this quite nicely. Recall upon this daily if you’re having a difficult time breaking away from the ineffective lifestyle.
“Don’t mistake activity for achievement.” – John Wooden
3. Chunk into three’s
Most of the time your one important thing that you can do per day takes more than just one action. Oftentimes it takes a series of smaller steps to accomplish. For this reason, it’s very helpful to chunk activities into sets of three. If you set out to accomplish one important item without a plan, you’ll be just as ineffective as the crack-berry work-a-holic running around the office making copies.
Outline your three-step to-do list using an offline to-do planner (which we outline in another chapter); or if you’re working online, use a three-item FocusList to keep you focused on the task at hand. Click here for a simple, effective, downloadable To-Do List.
4. Questions that kill procrastination
The brain processes meaning before detail. This is where procrastination stems from. Your boss, professor or co-worker tells you that the task on your desk is important, but your brain doesn’t yet agree. If you push forth anyways, and embark on the task before understanding its meaning, you’ll end up frustrating yourself and wasting time because you may have to do it all over.
For this reason, whenever you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself the following questions:
Question one: Does this really need to be done?
- If you’re in the business world, term it as, “Will this increase revenue, and/or reduce cost?”
- If you’re in school, ask “Will this impact my grade?” Note: In school, it’s not necessarily about preparing you for the real-world, it’s about assimilating information, regurgitating it on a test, and then hopefully remembering some of it in the future, which gives you more context for the real world. This is why, the question isn’t, “Will this prepare me for the real world?”
The result will be one of four things:
- The person will realize that this is just busy work. Thus, you won’t have to do it,
- The person will try and convince you that it’s important. In this case, assign yourself an insanely fast deadline to finish the project, and finish it. This type of boss values people that look like they’ve done something; he or she doesn’t actually care about its effectiveness, thus they won’t care about results.
- The person will come up with a compelling reason for why it’s important, and thus you’ll be able to finish the project with grace and effectiveness because you understand its meaning and purpose.
- The person will get angry at you for questioning the process. This indicates that you’re at a bureaucratic organization that devalues innovation and purpose. If you’re OK with this, enjoy a work-life of hell. If you’re not OK with this, sprint to the exit as quickly as possible.
Question two: Can I delegate this?
If you find yourself with a task that has meaning (with or without a lie from a boss), and you don’t want to do it, delegate it. Doing something you hate is a lose-lose. It’s bad for you, as well as your organization because you’ll likely turn in sub-par work.5. Be Smart With Your Time
The Pareto principle is founded on a theory that 80% of effectiveness is driven by 20% of our activity (or causes). I argue that it’s more like 99%:1%. It’s amazing how many insignificant tasks we’re constantly filling our lives with. Don’t make it your goal to involve yourself with 20% of meaningful items during the day. It gets too confusing, and your untrained mind will still end up taking-on too much. As state above, just do one important task per day. Say no to everything else–even your boss. Be humble, but be logical.There’s three types of people in corporations:
Type 1: Busy People
This is the person who constantly stresses themselves out by running around with paper, working on vacations and constantly checking email. They look like work-a-holics, but they get very little work done. They end up burning themselves out. They can even end up lashing out at others.What ends up happening is that others perceive them as being able to get the most done, thus people assign more work to them. The work results in being half-assed because the busy person doesn’t have the appropriate time needed for the task. People end up giving the most work to those who are least effective. This is why busy people and work-a-holics are bad for organizations. They eventually end up hurting companies.
Type 2: Lazy People
Lazy people are those that put the blame on their external environment for a lot of things. In the back of their minds sits hope that they’ll one day succeed and hit that million-dollar home-run. Yet in the meantime, they fill their lives with activities that release dopamine.Activities such as T.V., potato chips, video games, researching whether or not Tupac faked his death and conspiring over whether our government is run by free masons. I was this person once. These were my habits. I occupied my time with message-boards, reading hours of sports articles, and more. I wanted to achieve my dreams, but my mind craved dopamine derived from reading sports blogs. Getting out of this state and into the state below is what this book is about.
Type 3: A Sage
A Sage is one that doesn’t involve themselves in dopamine-driven activities; instead, he or she is very selective about what they do. They have a habit of asking themselves questions that most people are too busy to ask. They pre-occupy themselves with the unspoken, yet meaningful assumptions that others fail to address. Sages ask questions about the meaning behind any activity that they embark on. They view turning down work as a logical decision, not an emotional one. They even say no to their bosses in a strategic way. In order to become a Sage, you must become indispensable to your organization, which is accomplished through practicing Wu Wei (which we will cover soon in the chapter on Flow). Of course, when it comes to business, nobody is indispensable, even the CEO and Founder can be replaced (e.g. Yahoo’s CEO/Founder, Jerry Yang). By becoming indispensable, I mean you must be economically indispensable. Meaning, to the economy, you must be indispensable. In other words, you, yourself, can generate monetary value wherever you go–even if you work for yourself. The most empowering feeling is knowing you can land a job at any time, or just make money for yourself whenever you want to.A true sign of being indispensable is not a pat on the ass from a boss. It’s not a bonus or a raise. A true sign of being indispensable comes from making money on your own and getting job offers when you’re not looking for a job.
In summary, in order to be a Sage, you must earn it. You must earn it by being economically indispensable, and we’ll learn shortly that this falls into place naturally.
6. Mind Maps
Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s critical to allow the mind to disentangle itself by mapping out your thoughts on paper.There’s two types of maps: (i) PS Map, and (ii) Fear Map
I. PS Map:
A PS Map is short for a problem-solution mind map. This becomes a helpful tool when you’re trying to get something done, yet your mind keeps wandering towards a problem you think you have. A PS Map is also critical for when you feel restless–when your mind won’t stop racing. You tend to pace around the house contemplating a problem. Whenever you’re in this state, pull out a piece of paper and at the top write: “Problem.” Then map out every single detail and nature of the problem. Halfway down, on the same piece of paper, write out “Solution” And then map out possible solutions to this problem. This simple exercise slows down the mind, puts things into perspective and makes the solution shockingly clear.II. A Fear Map
Sometimes, thoughts and ideas creep into our mind that are intrinsically negative in nature. These thoughts generate fear. In this situation, it’s best to outline the consequences of your fear. Through outlining the results of your fear, you can oftentimes find how insignificant the fear really is. And even in the case of where the fear still seems significant, at least you know what the worst thing could happen is. Oftentimes you’ll find that the worst thing that could happen, really isn’t that bad.A fear map forces you to apply simple logic to the source of your fear. It’s founded on ‘If X, then Y.
On paper map out the following formula “if x, then y.” Where “x” is the fear, and “y” is your estimate of the fear’s result.
Through mapping out your thoughts, you can calm the racing mind, which will free your mind to focus on the task at hand.
7. Blame something
Other times, sitting down to concentrate is as simple as blaming a simple object for your inability to concentrate. As we discussed above, lazy people are those that blame almost everything on their environment. You don’t want to do this, as it’s not a long-term, sustainable solution. However, in instances where you can’t get excited to actually pump blood to your prefrontal cortex (phase 1 of concentrating), a simple object can help you out. Such an object would be coffee, a drink, a Bonsai tree or a walk. You can reward your mind for concentrating by saying, “OK, mind, here’s the deal–it’s hard to concentrate on this right now, but I’ll pick up a bonsai tree, which will create a more compelling environment to concentrate.” You’ll find that this object-based motivator actually works.8. Interest
Researchers found that concentration is not a gift. It’s not about intelligence. It’s not about being a prodigy with a gifted memory. It’s not about possessing the ability to recall an insane amount of facts (That’s what Google’s for). Researchers found that concentration is driven by interest, and interest is driven by attitude. If your attitude towards a specific project swells with interest, intrigue and passion, concentration is astonishingly easy.Conclusion
A core component of concentrating is building up a repertoire of purpose-driven habits that enables you to seamlessly step into “flow.” It’s my thesis that “flow” is the combination of mastering short-term focus and long-term focus. This book is about building this repertoire through goals, habits, exercises, philosophies and practices which will result in you becoming a more focused person.What’s Next
As we covered, the key to proper concentration is creating your own purpose-driven habits that enable you to step into “flow.”It’s my thesis that “flow” is the mastery of both short-term focus and long-term focus. In this chapter, we’ve outlined the science behind short-term focus, and the 8 actions you can do to improve concentration.
Remember – intelligence comes from focused concentration. Beware of the distractions around you. We’re all human and prone to laziness or becoming an inefficient work-a-holic, but we can choose to be strategically lazy, and thus, becoming effective.
More About ‘How to Get Focused’
This book is about building the habits of focus through goal-setting, exercises, philosophies and practices that result in an increased ability to focus for success.In the next chapter, we’ll explore the concept of flow.
As always, please let me know how you liked this chapter and what can be improved in the comments section below.
More resources
Can men and women really be “just friends?”
Thanks to the writings of John Gray, many of us now know some of the "Mars/Venus" generalizations such as men typically use language as a tool for solving problems while women use it as a way to promote intimacy. Indeed, while other gender stereotypes might be valid, such as it's easier for women to define intimate relationships with men as non-sexual than vice-versa, individual differences among people will always provide exceptional cases. Thus, some women might have a more "masculine" approach to heterosexual friendship than average and some men might relate to friends in a more stereotypically "feminine" manner than most.
Friendships Are Complicated, Too
It's not just romance that breeds trouble. Some of our most difficult bonds are with buds—and sometimes, the problem is you.Nevertheless, here's the crux of the matter: Within these boundaries of gender generalizations, the vast majority of post-pubescent, heterosexual men will invariably have a sexual desirability "reflex" upon seeing a female of reproductive age. Thus the immediate discrimination that a male will make when encountering a female is whether or not he'd like to have sex with her. While some women might acknowledge this sexual "reflex" too, it is likely that they can quickly get past it and focus on the non-sexual aspects of the male with whom they're relating.
The reasons for these phenomena are inextricably linked to our species' evolution. On the one hand, sperm is physiologically cheap, extremely plentiful, and constantly replenished. Therefore, the more often and diversely a male spreads his sperm the more evolutionally successful he'll be. Ova, on the other hand, are very precious, metabolically expensive, and can not be replenished (a woman is born with all the eggs she'll ever have).
What's more, women must assume the physical, emotional and metabolic demands of pregnancy. Hence, unlike most men who will gladly provide their sperm with little thought about it, evolution has shaped most women to be protective of their eggs and relatively discriminating of their sexual partners.
Thus women are more able to move beyond the immediate sexual attraction inherent in inter-gender relationships so they can more thoroughly determine the overall suitability of a potential mate. Men, it seems, often have no such long-term agenda so the "one track mind" of sexual interest persists much longer.
In general, then, one can say that men are very sexually "reflexive" while women are apt to be more sexually "reflective."
This helps explain why men often misread women's friendly signals as invitations for sex and why so many women are shocked when a male "friend" comes on to them sexually. Interestingly, the recent trends of "friends with benefits" and "hooking up" seem to acknowledge the sexual gravity that exists within heterosexual relationships. This, in turn, allows many people to be "friends" without pretending the sexual elephant isn't in the room or to simply have casual sex.
Unfortunately, for the evolutionary reasons outlined above, "FWB" and/or "hooking up" is usually okay with men while most of the time unfulfilling for women who, despite their seemingly casual sexual encounters, are genetically predisposed to cultivate deeper, lasting relationships.
Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!
Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.
The reasons for these phenomena are inextricably linked to our species' evolution. On the one hand, sperm is physiologically cheap, extremely plentiful, and constantly replenished. Therefore, the more often and diversely a male spreads his sperm the more evolutionally successful he'll be. Ova, on the other hand, are very precious, metabolically expensive, and can not be replenished (a woman is born with all the eggs she'll ever have).
What's more, women must assume the physical, emotional and metabolic demands of pregnancy. Hence, unlike most men who will gladly provide their sperm with little thought about it, evolution has shaped most women to be protective of their eggs and relatively discriminating of their sexual partners.
Thus women are more able to move beyond the immediate sexual attraction inherent in inter-gender relationships so they can more thoroughly determine the overall suitability of a potential mate. Men, it seems, often have no such long-term agenda so the "one track mind" of sexual interest persists much longer.
In general, then, one can say that men are very sexually "reflexive" while women are apt to be more sexually "reflective."
This helps explain why men often misread women's friendly signals as invitations for sex and why so many women are shocked when a male "friend" comes on to them sexually. Interestingly, the recent trends of "friends with benefits" and "hooking up" seem to acknowledge the sexual gravity that exists within heterosexual relationships. This, in turn, allows many people to be "friends" without pretending the sexual elephant isn't in the room or to simply have casual sex.
Unfortunately, for the evolutionary reasons outlined above, "FWB" and/or "hooking up" is usually okay with men while most of the time unfulfilling for women who, despite their seemingly casual sexual encounters, are genetically predisposed to cultivate deeper, lasting relationships.
Remember: Think well, act well, feel well, be well!
Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D.
